We've all been there. We are standing in our closet at the first of Spring with feet that desperately need a pedicure and a heart that wonders if last year's summer clothes are going to fit or not. And, for moms, you might be staring at a box of shorts that have been collecting dust for a few summers, reluctant of giving them up, "just in case."

I'm not even sure why I slipped them on. Nothing about my winter wardrobe led me to believe that these smaller-sized Spring pants were going to fit magically. But I gave it a good ole "let's just see if they zip" try.

To my surprise, they zipped! But, let's be clear, that does not mean that they fit! I did not feel comfortable or confident in them. But, the fact that the button fastened sent my head spinning in trying to conger up ways to get them to "fit better."

My mind immediately went into overdrive, thinking of ways to get in more exercise or foods or beverages I could delete or avoid to generate just a few more pounds of weight loss.

All of this nonsense for two pairs of pants!

If I'm honest, this is the same rollercoaster I spent most of my twenties on. I would allow a few pairs of pants to dictate my entire lifestyle. My self-worth was summed up to standing in my closest with undies on, just praying that the pants would zip and fit.

Not. Any. More. Satan.

Sure, I could give up bread, cookies my daughter decorated, the occasional beer and leave them at daycare hours longer each week so that Ic could get in one more workout. And I would achieve getting back into my "pre-baby" pants.

But that cost is just too high for me these days. My priorities have changed, and I am not willing to forfeit all my joy and peace for pants that come in a bigger size. I'd rather have a heart full of JOY than a false sense of health tied up in small pants.

So, I'm donating those pants.

FINALLY.

I REMOVED the urge to purge all the good out of my life to satisfy a worldly standard of beauty.

See, fitting into those pants would NOT bring my life any more significant amounts of ACTUAL health or JOY. They would only keep me distracted from the things that matter most. I pray you to learn to know the difference, too!

Yes - I'm going to paint my toes.... EVENTUALLY!

 When asked, “What led you to the field of nutrition?” I always respond that I find it incredibly empowering that, to some extent, you can control your health by your food and beverage choices. But starting around my junior year of college, my curiosity to learn all I could about how food affects the body slowly morphed into an obsession to control every calorie to achieve outward perfection. I no longer chose foods based on good health, but rather as leverage to gain external validation. While I looked healthy on the outside, I was held captive in body-image bondage, and it took Jesus to set me free. 

      When I got engaged to my now-husband of almost 14 years, I realized my pursuit for the perfect diet had morphed into disordered eating. I sobbed when I realized I’d need to eat cake in front of guests. It seems absurd, but to those who gain self-worth based on self-discipline with food, letting go of control can be crippling. There were other red flags, but that was the icing on the cake, that things needed to change. 

     I grew up in church. My grandfather was a pastor, and I spent Sunday nights and summers involved in youth activities. During a youth retreat in middle school, I made it official and asked Jesus into my heart. Sadly, my faith story reads like many who go off to college and leave Him behind. Looking back, I know the God-sized hole in my self-esteem was the open door Satan needed to suck me into the black hole of validating myself with diets and a scale. 

     The Bible tells us that Jesus never leaves or forsakes us, and as He pursued the lost sheep, God pursued me. During marathon training, I started reconnecting to sacred stillness while running alone. Running, and later weightlifting, became the catalyst I needed to respect my body for what it could do when adequately fueled, and when late-night parties were avoided. But even though God was back in my life, He still wasn’t first. My struggle for self-acceptance continued. 

     As with many couples, conceiving our first child wasn’t a cakewalk. So when we found out we were expecting, I was determined to put the baby’s needs before mine. I got baptized on Christmas Day 2011, and spent the rest of that pregnancy trying to fix my priorities. Without question, I am the kindest to myself, and enjoy the healthiest relationship with food, while pregnant. I’ve had the privilege of two healthy pregnancies, and both gestations were body and mind game-changers. But the world isn’t kind to postpartum moms, and it’s easy to get trapped in the idea that your body must bounce back or risk losing validation. I fell into that trap twice. 

     I understood Christians were to do everything, including eating and drinking, for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). But I was living a double life. I desired to worship Jesus wholeheartedly, but I used all my extra energy to chase the world’s standard of wellness. For decades, I tried to serve both masters and failed. Finally, God opened my eyes to see that food wasn’t my enemy, and that perfecting my body wasn’t His ultimate purpose for my life. Instantly, my relationship with Christ blossomed.

     I began to connect the dots that neither Satan nor Christ cared about my weight, but both cared because I cared. Like Paul, I had a thorn, a messenger from Satan; it was self-image for me. Today I recognize that my struggles with food and self-acceptance have always been an invitation from Jesus to lean on Him. When I am weak, He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:10). Even when I’m not physically pregnant, I am a carrier of the Holy Spirit, and caring for my body is a form of worship and respect to the One who resides there (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

     In my life today, daily prayer, paired with practicing self-compassion, has brought about inner peace and a feeling of actual wellbeing, which was missing when I was chronic dieting. As a nutritionist, I’m still in awe of the healing power of eating well and exercise, but it must be rooted in gratitude for the One who created it all. Godly wellness is a form of worship. And when old mindsets of body comparison or food anxieties arise, that’s my signal to pray and praise more, not diet harder. 

Big, THANK YOU, to Mississippi Christian Living Magazine for giving the platform to share my story! Published, in the march March, 2021 issue.